Miscellany
Waking Up for Church One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied,"I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"There was a little old lady, who every morning. Stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!' One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there 'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!' The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!' The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
All women should live so long as to be this kind of elderly lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80%
held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly
lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling
sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely,
would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy
in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the old biddies.'
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of
the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, which reads :
'Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now Before It's Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out of his window and shouted, "Leave us alone, you religious
nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tyres and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya
tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge Out?"
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ' I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way.' The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father of hundreds,' and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.'
The Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord."
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."